Gotta-letgo
4:13 p.m. - 2004-12-25
As my new diaryland name states, gotta-letgo, that's exactly what I will be working on for a long time to come I do believe.
Things have been tough for me lately, but it's all due to my own doing. I started doing drugs, drinking alcohol, cutting, cursing, sleeping around, and the worst of all, shutting off the ones who truly love me. Then there is the fact that I kinda pushed God aside for the time being as well. It's not that I don't want a relationship with Him, it's that I feel I don't deserve it and I would be a total hypocrit if I did have one.
I do know that I said to some people and to myself that I wasn't doing the online diary thing anymore, but I need to. I need to write and let it out somewhere, because I really don't talk to others about anything. So, that's why I decided to start this diary today.
Inside I have so many emotions that I truly don't even know how to express them. The strongest feeling I have at this point in time, is fear. I am scared of myself, scared of fighting for myself and my life, scared of letting myself down, scared of letting others down, scared of falling again, but I know I've got to get through this.
I almost lost two more friends the other day. They are also my roommates and they had made up there minds that they were moving out. They just couldn't handle me anymore. I scared them too much by the things that I was doing. So I talked with them the other night, and I am so blessed to receive another chance from both of them. Although they agreed to one more chance, one last chance, some conditions were also set up. I am going back to counseling once the semester starts up again, and I also have to talk to them about things. We agreed that we are going to be completely honest with one another. Yes, this will be extremely hard for me I have to admit, but I do believe that it is going to be worth it.
Never have I been given another chance like this from anyone, so that in itself gives me hope in life. To know that some people do care enough not to just run makes me feel a little better. Now, I just have to work extremely hard at getting better. I have to give up everything that has given me the easy way out of coping for so long. Although those things are bad for me, it's still going to be hard to just drop them forever. But, I love my friends more than I love those habits, so I guess my friends win out.
Another thing that will change in my life once I go back to school, is my relationship with God. I am going to put more time into just me and Him. Yea, I am still going to do all of my ministry activities, but alot more time will be spent with me and God alone. I truly think I need that time. It's time where I can just talk and listen with the one who loves me unconditionally.
Oh, I received text messages from some friends today. I don't think they realize how much it meant to me. I broke down in tears, because I've pushed them all away lately, and they still wanted to wish me a Merry Christmas. You know I was strongly thinking about transferring and coming back home to go to school, but now I truly know deep down inside, that I am meant to be where I am at. I feel that this place, along with God, and along with myself, is going to be the things that help me get through the toughest times I have ever had in my life.
God I want to thank You. I want to thank You for giving me countless chances. I want to thank You for graciously blessing me with awesome friends and family. Most importantly, I want to thank You for loving me and for allowing others to love me. One day I just hope that I can give them and You all that love back.
Merry Christmas everyone and God Bless.
Love,
Jamie
miss these?
A Wonderful God - 2005-02-02
A Change Of Heart - 2005-01-13
I Hate Me - 2005-01-11
In Tears - 2005-01-07
I Believe It's Over - 2005-01-05